It’s a whole new way to experience the world.

It’s a combination of smell and taste.

It’s a rating system that’s as arbitrary as it is inaccurate.

It’s Smaste™!

The first time we mentioned Smaste™ was just a few days ago when we made it up in the In-N-Out Has No Bacon post. With the advent of modern technology, Bacon Today is proud to announce the offical introduction of the Smaste™ Rating Index (SRI) and the Smasteulator™, which is a calibrated Smaste™ calculator that is implanted in the smell and taste portions of each Bacon Today staff writer’s brain. (Don’t worry, anyone with a true love of bacon will eventually be able to develop their own sense of Smaste™.)

The true genius behind the SRI is proprietary, so I’m not at liberty to give you all the details. What I can tell you is that the basic mathematical formula looks something like this…

(([smell factor]+[taste factor])*uniqueness)/([strange factor]+[gross quotient]) = Smasteulator™ Rating

Determining all of those factors and quotients is part of the secret Smaste™ process, so leave it to us for the time being.

All you need to know is that the maximum theoretical value for the Smastiness™ of a food or beverage is… oh… let’s call it 47. For point of reference, bacon itself only factors in at a Smasteulator™ Rating of 36.2174 when cooked to perfection. Achieving the theoretical maximum requires a special combination of flavors and textures as well as the right attitude and a bit of luck for good measure. (Timing is everything.)

Get out there and start experimenting. If you find a menu item somewhere be sure to tell us where the restaurant is so that we can go assign the meal a Smasteulator™ rating. If you whip up a new creation in your own kitchen that you think deserves a rating, send us the recipe so we can try it for ourselves.

Bacon Today is committed to the worldwide establishment of the Smaste™ Rating Index. As always, your comments and input are welcome, and in the case of the SRI, they are crucial to the process.

13 thoughts on “Smaste™”

  1. Need more info here regarding Smaste. Is this a 100 point scale? What are the individual scores out of (it looks like 10, but I could be wrong)?

  2. Thanks for your question, Matt.

    Smaste is a rating system that’s as arbitrary as it is inaccurate. There is a maximum theoretical value of 47, although that number can be exceeded if the deliciousness of a particular food is high. Bacon cinnamon rolls, for instance, scored a jaw-dropping 51.93.

    The Smaste Rating Index (SRI) is still in its infancy. As the SRI develops, the most important thing to remember is that in order to rate Smaste(tm), you’ll need food in your mouth and a tongue in your cheek.

    — Mike

  3. Just discovered your web site, and I’m thrilled by the commitment to bacon that I can feel here. I like your new SRI–and I can see where foods involving bacon + wacky something else could frequently score quite high. Could you calculate for me the SRI of figs stuffed with goat cheese and wrapped in bacon before baking? I think it must be up there, but then we get into the purely subjective realm of goat dairy products, and that might throw the whole system off.

  4. I, too, am impressed by the bacon devotion on this site. I have developed a breakfast that, if I continue eating it every day, will certainly kill me before the month is out. My office has a cafeteria, and that cafeteria has a hot bar. In a small clamshell styrofoam container, a layer of scrambled eggs is topped with a layer of crispy, salty homefries, and then topped with a biscuit (or two), and the whole thing is smothered in sausage gravy. A piece of bacon marks the whole thing like a flacid pork tombstone (the cafeteria isn’t known for its bacon prowess, but it’s bacon and sometimes you just need bacon). Math is hard; what do you think the Smaste rating would be for this monstrosity?

  5. commatose, your creation, while seemingly unhealthy, has a nearly health-inducing lack of bacon. Try turning your biscuit into an open-faced breakfast bomb, using layers as mentioned, but with bacon separating them all. If you can put a layer of bacon between your gravy and the bacon tombstone, it might rate upwards of 40 SRI and/or kill you by payday. And wipe your face with more bacon when finished. Then eat your napkin.

  6. wow… that sounds amazing. And I’m reminded of my late grandfather who lived to a ripe old age, in spite of the fact that every Sunday he sat down to a stack of my grandma’s homemade waffles, which he proceded to top with a tablespoon of creamy peanut-butter and then 3 slices of crispy bacon. AND a maple-syrup drizzle. When I first saw him eat that I thought he was NUTS. Ah, but he was so wise it took me only one bite to appreciate his taste, his style, and his wonderful palate. Mmmmm Bacon makes EVERYthing better!

  7. Now, that’s amazing. My grandfather used to eat waffles with peanut butter and bacon, (on the side, grandma wouldn’t put it on top…) and corn syrup. (regional thing… we grew up in corn country.)

    I thought I was the only one that ever experienced that…

  8. my devotion to bacon has gone to such an extreme i quit my job of 23 yrs and opened a hot dog stand in frankfort,il. devoted to not only the chicago hot dog with hand cut fries but we’ve extended that to various flavored bacon wrapped vienna beef hot dogs and deep fry to a mouthwatering flavor of crispy bacon but the dog still moist in the center dressed in mustard,kosher pickle spear,tomato slices,onions,sport peppers,and celery salt on a popyeye seed bun (the hawg dog) and the same using polish sausage wrapped in bacon deep fried either dressed like a dog or smothered in mustard,grilled onions and saurkraut. i welcome your rating for those delicious items.


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