I’m Glad I Didn’t Try It

I’m an adventurer by trade. My career has been varied thus far, but I tend to gravitate towards the positions that require me to either get on an airplane, go through security or otherwise gain access to restricted or dangerous places that normal, sane people generally avoid, like the side of an F1 racetrack or remote rural areas of Ethiopia.

I once was told I needed to climb the Brooklyn Bridge with a 90 pound pack and stay up there taking pictures all night long. So I did it. With glee. 

I’ll really try anything that I don’t think will immediately kill me. 

And then came tofu bacon.

Take a look at Shana’s “Not Out On VHS Yet” blog. She bought and tried the Morning Star tofu bacon strips. Her review is classic. I especially like this bit:

The “bacon” was… limp and rubbery, a failed attempt to come anything close to the crispy greasy piece of pork that everyone is so obsessed with.


She just makes it sound so appealing. It’s chewy. It’s rubbery. And it’s marbled with what can only be red dye #5 or some similar not-bacon additive.

It scares me. 

I’m reminded of our experiment with bacon-wrapped polenta from our 12 Days of a Bacon-Wrapped Christmas series. It was bland and disgusting. Bacon-wrapped chicken liver was even worse; it was disgusting and disgusting.

Of course, I did try it. 

I guess that means that for all my whining I’ll eventually try bacon tofu, too. I’ll just need to get my courage up, first. 

Until then, I’ll just retreat to the safety of my dangerous job.

— Mike

15 thoughts on “I’m Glad I Didn’t Try It”

  1. Fakon? It’s really not that bad. If it was limp and rubbery, it was simply undercooked. It’s no subsitute for bacon, of course, but I’ve had worse faux meat products.

    But, yeah…the “marbling” is downright creepy.

  2. If people want to eat bacon, they shouldn’t be vegetarians.

    Some folks just ain’t right. Nor is faux-meat anything.

    For Jewish and other religiously restricted eaters, there’s always turkey bacon, which, while not the real deal, is still pretty good.

  3. What the hell is this crap????

    “If they can ever discover who invented bacon, that person should be deemed a hero of civilization” – Uncle Frank

  4. I tried it when I was 13, I actually quite liked it…or maybe I just like anything that tastes vaguely bacon-y. Call it childhood stupidity maybe…

  5. I wanted to see what reactions your article received before I commented. 🙂

    I will say I really, really wanted to like this product, and obviously, I did not. Tofu bacon is in a world of it’s own when it comes to tofu products. I am a fan of (some) tofu hotdogs, gardenburgers and tofu crumbles in tacos… But the tofu bacon is something else. I feel like they were trying to hard to make a product that would substitute for bacon, which ended up tasting more like chemicals than anything else. Tofu on it’s own is just as much loved by it’s fans as bacon is. Maybe I need to start a tofu today type website to show you all that we are not hippy (or yuppie) jerks that all believe everything PETA says, or that all drive a Prius. Some of us just don’t like the thought of eating meat.

    As for you, Mr. Baconator — You know I am a devoted vegetarian and I felt I needed to try this product just so I could silence haters like you (in the nicest way possible of course). I am willing to say that this product failed me and though I will never claim to understand you’re (or anyone’s) obsession with bacon, I will respect it and enjoy you all trying to convert me. 😉

  6. I love real bacon, but I have to tell you – the morningstar farms bacon pictured here (NOT tofu! texturized vegetable protein) is REALLY GOOD. It tastes like really crispy microwaved bacon (my fave!) except for being less greasy/fatty. It’s BACONTASTIC! (And, the low-fat bacon goodness leaves you room for more pork bacon later)

  7. I am reminded of a tragedy in my life. We did not eat much sausage growing up b/c my mom didn’t like it, bacon on the other hand, was always on hand. One morning, I woke up to the sweet smell of sausage filling the house. I ran downstairs & my brother was cooking up a pan of those delicious patties. He gave me one and as my mouth watered, I took a bite and… BLEH – tofu sausage! Oh I thought I had died & gone to a very very bad place, but unfortunately I was still alive & tasting something terrible that smelled & looked of sausage, but tasted like… idk, something you could never pay me enough money to ever try again. The moral: DO NOT FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS GREASY & HOLY, EVER TRY TOFU BACON! Unless you really really want to appreciate bacon even more (but hurl for a day first).

  8. Honestly, all tofu bacon tastes somewhere from 1 to 10 like Play-Doh. A lot of it looks exactly like it was made with Play-Doh. You might as well just eat the Play-Doh because it’s so much cheaper to buy (or make yourself) than the veggie-rip-off bacon.

    I’ll bet even Beggin’ Strips are better.

  9. While no substitute for the real thing, the fake bacon actually makes a mean BLT. Real bacon is always better, for some of us with health issues we occasionally have to make do with that stuff….just don’t look directly at it; ever…

  10. Honestly, I’ve had these “facon” strips before while staying at a friend’s house, and it really wasn’t that bad. The rubberiness people exerienced was probably from it being undercooked; when I had some, it was very crispy just like the real stuff. In fact, the biggest issue I noticed was that it was a little bit dry, and since I’m the kind of girl who prefers her food a little dryer (yeah, I’m weird) that was no big deal at all. It’s definitely not as good as the real thing, but it’s also not a bad substitute for someone who chooses to no longer eat the real stuff and is aware that it will never be quite the same. Just my 2 cents anyway.


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