Last year it was vampires. This year it’s… zombies. Now there remains one thing to be asked. When is the zombie apocalypse going to happen? As we continue on with science and technology the possibility of an apocalypse becomes more real with each Fox-News-Episode at a time. We’re all riding on the Titanic and that apocalyptic iceberg looms ahead.
The “bath salts” scare has already had people stocking up on canned food, weapon hoarding, and reinforcing their doors and windows. Nothing like seeing a headline of “Man Eats another Man’s Face!” to get you into wanting to learn how to fire a gun. Am I right, or am I right?
So as we prepare for the impending apocalypse we’ve realized that bacon needs to play a part in all this hullabaloo. For the first reason that it’s absolutely delicious and for the second reason that it’s just really cool. If you’re not the strongest or biggest, you can easily make friends with others who are great at killing zombies by having bacon on hand. In a world where our monetary system becomes null and void due to apocalyptic ruin, bacon will be quite the bartering tool. So grab an axe, some guns, and get yourself some bacon foods.
Now that you know bacon is a food option for zombie survival, here are 8 simple survival rules for you to follow:
1. Get it together. Don’t lock yourself in your house or apartment and wait for rescue. It ain’t coming. You’re on your own when the zombie apocalypse hits. So stop screaming and get it together! Chances are all the cops in your city will eat you instead of rescue you.
2. Get armed. You are going to need to fight for survival. It’s kill or get eaten. You will need guns, ammo, swords, axes, knives… Basically, anything sharp and pointy. Preferably something with a long handle that you can manage well. You’re going to be swinging it around a lot and the longer handle will mean less contact from their infectious bites. Hammers and blunt, heavy objects are good but you’re going to want to wear protective face wear. Think goggles or masks. You don’t want any of the zombies’ blood and juices to splatter onto you. Otherwise, you’ll be one of the walking dead and your best friend will have to shoot you in the head. Not cool.
3. Get armored. You’re going to want to have your skin covered as much as possible. And I’m not talkin’ long john pajamas and a turtle neck. Sturdy, thicker material is good. You need to protect your skin from possible bites. You can get armored gear at any hunting or sporting goods store.
4. Get out of the city. If you’re in a big city, get out! You’ll want to go where there’s less people. Less people means less zombies you need to fight off. What’s a better ratio? Two or 2,000? I’m not very good with numbers but you can do the math.
5. Get supplies. You’ll need bottled water, gas, bacon… Loot the large stores in a small town. It’s not stealing when you’re in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. It’s survival.
6. Barricade. Think of the middle ages. Those castles were dank, smelly, and pretty nasty. But lots of them were fortresses when under attack. Zombies are just like medieval soldiers. They will just batter and batter until they can get in. Drop some bombs down on them and make it rain fire. Being on the move leaves you exposed. You want to have yourself protected. You’re not going to be able to kill all the zombies out there so you’ll have to wait it out. Find shelter and make it your fortress.
7. Know your exits and your terrain. This will help you get out of hairy situations. Knowing where to go gives you an advantage over the zombies. If you can’t find a weapon, your only choice will be to run. You better know where you’re running off to otherwise you may trip or run into something. A sprained ankle will mean you’ve become zombie delicatessan. Don’t make yourself an appetizer- figure out your surroundings whenever you can.
8. Search for survivors. Safety in numbers! The key element to your survival is your sanity. You will go insane if you have no one to talk to except for your gun and a stuffed doll. You’ve seen it happen in all the movies. Humans are social beings, whether or not most of us want to admit it. We crave companionship. So if you start having conversations with the walls and other inanimate objects, you’re one step away from completely losing it. And that’s not surviving, my friend.
Now that you have your survival guide; you can watch a video on zombies and bacon. NOW!