Trivia geeks and word nerds (I am both) love nouns of assemblage. That is, the noun used to refer to a collective. Everyone knows a school of fish and most people know a pride of lions, and some people are familiar with a cache of jewels, but if you really get into it there’s a lot of deeply obscure (and rightly so) words in this category: it’s a treasure trove for the really geeky, a cache of verbal jewels if you will. Have you heard of a pod of whales? A murder of  crows? An exaltation of sparrows? You haven’t? Well your life has been pretty good so far, why mess with a good thing.

Depending on whom you ask, pigs travel either in droves, herds, litters, farrows (for piglets) or sounders (for wild pigs). But anyone who’s ever ordered of the Sides section of a breakfast menu knows that bacon comes in rashers. I got to wondering, because that’s the kind of word nerd I am, what is a rasher of bacon? It’s like a ration, but less restrictive. It’s not at all like a rash. What does it mean?

I checked Wikipedia. No etymology there, except to say that in the UK a rasher is also sometimes a “collop” which is somewhere between a scallop, dollop, a calliope, and a trollop, which sounds like an enjoyable weekend but sheds no light on the subject. Wikipedia thinks that collop is derived from the Swedish word kallops and not the French escalope, but that leaves us no better than we were before.

I turned to the OED (a frequent source of bacon wisdom). The earliest use of the word is in 1592, but the origin is mysterious there too: the editors speculate it could be a piece “rashly or hastily roasted,” but does that sound like bacon to you? I should think not! Maybe the flash-seared meat at La Salsa, but not my low-and-slow-roasted bacon. I did enjoy discovering the John Dryden quote from 1678: “Drink heavy draughts of ale and snatch the homely rasher from the coals.” Will do, Mr. Dryden!

But the rest of what I learned just confused me more. As early as 1634, rasher was being used to describe a slice or serving of almost any food: “We will have a Cherry-Tart cut into Rashers and broyled.” And apparently, a rasher is also a red-colored rock-fish of California (Sebastichthys miniatus). Then a naval submarine was named after it, the USS Rasher. So now when I order bacon I might get a slice of cherry tart with rock fish on top? It’s enough to drive a man to despair, or to flee on a submarine.

None the wiser, I closed the cover of my reference books. I’m not giving up, but discoveries of great lexicographical significance are never made over night: like frying bacon, it is a low and slow process. Great steps forward in progress are uncovered by a series of deliberate decisions. Patience is of the utmost behavior. I must resolve to forever indulge in rashers, but never to be myself rash.

For the past several years we’ve been hearing about the ups and downs, the successes and failures of scientists attempting to create pigs that have been genetically altered to create their own, internal “Omega-3 Fatty Acids,” which supposedly would logically be “Makin’ Bacon” that is dramatically more healthy , particularly for the heart.

Omega-3 fatty acids are those naturally occurring compounds found in fish; that help the body to greatly reduce the incidence of various forms of heart disease. But that just it … isn’t it. Omega-3 fatty acids are completely NATURAL in fish, NOT in Pigs.

So logically, it’s natural, good and healthy to eat it in fish, and by the very same logic, not natural, good and healthy to eat it in genetically mutated pork. Besides, if people would actually consider eating it … supposedly for their health, wouldn’t it be wiser to just get out a take a walk a few times a week for all sorts of numerous health benefits to the body, not just one?

We truly need to stop and ask ourselves, at what cost are we willing to go along with whatever “Dr. Strangelove” comes up with late at night in his secret laboratory, so that we can continue to allow pure, unadulterated “human laziness and lethargy” to drive straight into a diet of scientifically processed, genetically altered “Franken-Food,” merely in hopes that we won’t ever have to get up off of our ever widening derrieres in order to take a walk around the block a few times a week?

If we all already know from personal experience that farm fresh, free range, country raised bacon tastes 100 times better than the low quality, mass-produced, store bought, generic, stuff, then why would we even consider, let alone risk eating “Scientifically Processed Animal Matter! Hmmm, that term seems oddly familiar, like it stands for something. Ah yes … Scientifically Processed Animal Matter … S.P.A.M. Got it!

Wow, what a trip, the words of the “profits” (pun intend) are written on the grocery store shelves! Be care out there!

Upon closer examination though revealed that Tractor Supply Co. has it’s priorities straight. I spied the book “How to Raise Pigs” — in a way a book about bacon from start to finish.

This book is filled with everything you need to know about raising pigs and preparing them for a future as sweet, sweet bacon. Just look at the table of contents – this sucker is action packed!

Chapter 1 – An Introduction to Pigs & People
Chapter 2 – Getting Started
Chapter 3 – Pork Production Systems – What’s Your Plan?
Chapter 4 – Breeds of Pigs
Chapter 5 – Pork Production Systems – Organic, Sustainable, and Convential
Chapter 6 – Housing and Facilities
Chapter 7 – Fencing and Enclosures
Chapter 8 – Nutrient Management
Chapter 9 – Breeding and Reproduction
Chapter 10 – Feed for Profit and Production
Chapter 11 – Managing Your Pigs
Chapter 12 – Marketing Meat
Chapter 13 – Home Butchering
Chapter 14 – Exit Strategies
Chapter 15 – Showing Pigs
Chapter 16 – Country Living
Chapter 17 – Help and Advice

Here are a couple sample pages. Run out and buy this one, start raising some pigs, and document the process. We’ll start a new series on Bacon Today featuring your entry into the world of start to finish baconing!

(Yes, it’s called stealing, but at least I’m being honest about my lack of integrity.)

Conor of RiffTrax suggested this comic strip from PBF Comics as an instruction manual for how to make more bacon if Mike’s supply runs out.

I cannot support this book. No Sir.

If you love bacon, DO NOT read A Day No Pigs Would Die.