For those of you who haven’t heard of this delicious gluttonous meal; you’ve obviously been hiding behind an extremely slow bandwidth. No, this burger is not made out of turtle meat. We did say that it’s a gluttonous meal, not an exotic one. The Bacon Turtle Burger is an amazing burger that combines hotdogs, beef, and bacon all in one. A combination of multiple meats for the over zealous carnivore. And this particular version even brings melted cheese into the mix. Have you heard of the Juicy Lucy? Yep, it’s just like that. But different. And by different, we mean wrapped-in-bacon and steal-your-heart different. Don’t know what we’re talking about? Look at the pictures, follow the recipe below, and be your own Gluttonous Meal Master. C’mon, it’s covered in bacon. ‘Nuff said.

Ingredients:
4 oz. lean beef
1 pack of Hot Dogs
1 package of Bacon (at least ten strips)
Cheddar cheese (or any cheese of your choice)
1 egg white
Spices (salt, pepper, garlic salt, Worchestire sauce)

Directions:
1. Start by weaving the bacon just like a basket. Cut some of the fat off the outside of the bacon if you need to in order to make it straight. Make it into a square. (5X5 strips of bacon usually work.)
2. Mix the ground meat, spices and egg white together in a bowl. (The egg whites are used to help hold things together.)
3. Make a thin, flat meat patty with part of the meat.
4. Place the meat on the center of the bacon weave.
5. Place some cheese slices on the center of the patty. Make sure there is a “crust” of burger meat around the cheese.
6. Place another thinly formed meat patty on top of the cheese and form it into one meat patty. (Form the edges of the meat together- causing the meat patty to be “filled” with the cheese.)
7. Fold the bacon weave over it.
8. Take out three hotdogs. Make 2 cuts on both ends of two of the hot dogs (acting as the “feet”.) Cut the two hot dogs directly in half. Now you have the feet.
9. With the other hot dog, cut it in half, and on one end, cut the hot dog into a point to act as the tail. The other end will be the head.
10. Make holes in the bacon weave, (one each for the head, tail, and four legs), poke hot dogs into the body- embedding them into the meat by about 1/2 and inch to 1 inch.
11. Use extra bacon to cover the gap and bring stray ends of bacon into the weave.
12. Use a spatula to get it onto the pan.
13. Put toothpicks (that have been soaking in water) into the body to secure the hot dogs and keep the bacon ends secure.
14. Cook the Bacon Turtle at 400 to 450 degrees (depending upon oven)
*Cooking time will vary so check the turtle to see how well done you want your burger to be. For less cooked, make sure it’s still juicy. If juices aren’t flowing, your turtle will be well done.

And what’s beautiful about this Turtle, (aside from the sexy bacon), is that you can make a regular burger as opposed to the cheeseburger. Skip the egg whites and just make a meat patty for the center of the Bacon Turtle Burger. After it’s cooked, throw cheese on top, or an egg, or peanut butter… We don’t care what you put on it, just do it. You only live once and this baby just might bring you closer to that final date, but who cares? Go ahead and walk on the wild side.

Bacon Jam Spinach Dip

Ingredients:
-Kosher salt
-1 10-ounce bags spinach, stems removed
-1 10-ounce bag of arugula
-1 tablespoon unsalted butter
-2 tablespoons minced onion
-1 clove garlic, minced
-2 teaspoons all-purpose flour
-1 1/4 cups whole milk
-1/2 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
-1 1/4 cups grated Parmesan cheese
-1/4 cup sour cream, plus more for serving
-1/4 cup Skillet Bacon Spread
-1/2 cup shredded white sharp cheddar cheese
-1/2 cup frozen artichoke hearts, thawed, squeezed dry and finely chopped
-Tortilla chips and salsa, for serving

Directions:
Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Stir in the spinach and arugula and cook until bright green, about 30 seconds. Drain and rinse under cold water; squeeze out the excess moisture, then finely chop.

Melt the butter in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add the onion, garlic and 1/2 teaspoon salt and cook until the onion is soft, about 2 minutes. Add the flour and cook, stirring, until lightly toasted, about 1 minute. Whisk in the milk and cook, whisking constantly, until thickened, about 2 minute. Remove from the heat. Stir in the lemon juice, bacon jam, Parmesan and sour cream. Return the pot to low heat. Add the spinach, cheddar and artichokes and stir until the cheese melts and the dip is heated through, maybe 1 minute. Serve warm with tortilla chips, or a sliced baguette.

And enjoy! Who knew bacon and spinach could be so delicious together? Wait… we did.

After a night on the town, my friends and I being the traditional Los Angelenos that we are, had just gotten back from the local Taqueria. We sat on plastic folding chairs in the back yard and discussed all the great tasting food in the world. And even though it was an April night, we still tried to get the fire pit going. As I raised the taco to my lips, my friend proclaimed, “Do you know that there’s a bacon food truck around here?”

And that’s all it took. Since hearing those words, I became obsessed with learning more about this bacon truck and finding out where it was going to be next. I scoured the internet and finally found the name of the truck and their site. Oh, behold the glorious world of bacon! The pictures! Oh, the pictures! With a menu consisting of a brioche French toast sandwich filled with crumbled bacon and bacon bourbon maple syrup… I was drooling all over my keyboard. And they’re asking me if I could “Like” them on Facebook? Of course I will “Like” you on Facebook! I will like you in real life too. As a matter of fact, I want to love you! Just tell me where you’ll be next!

It wasn’t until a very long, dragging week later that I finally got to experience the Lardon Bacon Food Truck. I found out they were going to be at my local pub and I decided that it was time for a night out. A night out with bacon of course!



After waiting in a long line of bacon hungry people, I decided upon what they called the “The Baco”. A ball of potatoes and cheddar, wrapped in a bacon shell, served with a horseradish bacon sour cream. After the first bite, my taste buds had transcended to another level of bacon awareness. I had reached the gates of Heaven and they were made of bacon strips.

On their menu, they also had the most amazing chicken wings I had ever heard of. Chicken wings cooked in bacon hot sauce, topped with hot sauce covered bacon, and served with bacon bleu cheese dipping sauce. Now, for those of you that like chicken wings, I would highly recommend this. For those of you that don’t live anywhere in the Los Angeles area, and want your own chicken wings cooked in bacon hot sauce, douse your chickies with this bad boy.



A little background on this glorious truck: It was started by Heather and Jeremiah Crowley. One sunny day in Silver Lake, they were sitting on their porch drinking margaritas when they realized that they needed to open a bacon restaurant. And after Heather had finished her Master’s at UCLA; she had worked on many food trucks and learned the business of food trucking. Not long afterward, the two bacon connoisseurs took their idea of a bacon restaurant and transformed it into a bacon food truck. That’s when their truck hit the road, telling people to “Get their Lardon”, and the Crowley family of five hasn’t looked back since.

Follow them on twitter or “Like” their Facebook page. Or even check out their website for the full menu!

On the extreme dieting end, you hear about all the new celebrity fad-diets that would have the traditional 1950s, meatloaf-loving, American completely aghast. One diet in particular consists purely of water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper; daily. Oh, correction. That would be the “Master Cleanse” where you are supposedly “ridding your body of toxins”. But last time we checked, a diet where most of your time is spent sitting on a toilet, doesn’t exactly sound like an enjoyable one. Or a very social one at that. And doesn’t someone who poops on the regular, not have to worry about said “toxins”? The intestines act as a filter for your system. They retain the good nutrients your body needs to sustain itself and pushes out the excess. Whatever toxins you’ve ingested would be dumped out into Mr. John naturally. If you’re worried about toxins you should probably stop drinking that bottle of toilet bowl cleaner.

There’s also the cabbage soup diet. While it is quite boring in flavor, it also alienates you from people since you will constantly be fertilizing the air with your flatulence. No, there wasn’t an error with Facebook. You purposely were not invited to that party.

There are so many crazy fad diets that an extreme dieting site has been erected onto the World Wide Web. Guess it’s not that surprising since people think swallowing only air could be called a diet. But aside from these absurd fad-diet eaters, you have the extreme eaters. Extreme in the way they pile the food onto their plates. Eaters, the fast food Moguls have a field day marketing new foods to.

Take the Double Down sandwich from KFC as an example. Fat strips of bacon and gooey slices of cheese, sandwiched between two fried chicken patties. While we are huge fans of bacon, and this sounds really delicious; the aggregated amount of glutinous, caloric intake has us feeling a little… unpleasantly greasy. We also feel that this sandwich would only be delicious until your fifth bite. We’re a little afraid of what would happen to our bodies afterward.

At In-N-Out, you can order a 4×4 if you want. That’s four meat patties and four slices of cheese. Mix it up and get a 2×4. That’s two meat patties and four slices of cheese. Heck, pick any number you want. Apparently, the lovely and ever-pleasant cooks at In-N-Out will even make you a 20×20. Why or how anyone would consume this cheeseburger is beyond us. Especially when it’s larger than your own head.




Now this leads us back to the world of glorious bacon. Because we know you’re probably pretty hungry now. And we know you’ve been asking, “What do these diets have to do with sexy, sexy bacon?” And to answer that question we would like
show people how bacon can be healthy and a good-for-you kind of diet. We know a lot of people like to vehemently denounce bacon’s nutritional value. And even though we’d like to slap them silly with a fat strip of bacon, we’re here to maturely negate their silly arguments. It’s one simple truth: Bacon is, indeed, good for you.

Here are the bare minimum facts:

Studies have shown that pregnant women who eat bacon, boost the intelligence of their child. This is because bacon is a good source of choline, which aids in the development of the child’s memory. It also protects against heart problems and premature birth.(1)

People also like to proclaim that because bacon contains nitrates and nitrites, (compounds used to preserve meat), it will cause cancer. Correction: The nitrite byproducts that actually cause cancer, known as nitrosamines, are found only in overcooked bacon. Plus, bacon that is cooked in the microwave has less nitrosamine than fried bacon.(2) And honestly, it seems that people claim everything causes cancer these days. You could be sitting on a park bench on a sunny day and someone will point out to you, “Hey, you know that sweetener you’re putting into your tea causes cancer.” And in turn you reply, “Umm, you know that sun in the sky, directly over your head causes cancer?” It’s quite a cancer-fearing world we live in these days. All in moderation, folks. All in moderation.

And if you’re still concerned about the nitrites, Bacon Freak has a Nitrite free hickory bacon. Be sure to cook it in the microwave in case you’re still concerned.

And if you’re worried about the fat content, 45% of the fat in bacon is monosaturated. The good-for-you, oleic acid, fat that can help lower bad cholesterol levels; the same fat found in olive oil.(3) There are also many studies that have revealed that eating a protein-rich diet in the morning, lowering your carbohydrate intake, and eating smaller meals throughout the day; will in fact leave you feeling full longer, help you lose weight, and boost your energy. Add in an adequate amount of exercise and you’re more likely to loose weight and keep it off.(4) More effective than consuming cabbage soup. And aside from it being tastier, you won’t be crop-dusting your coworkers all day.

It basically fries down to this: (See what I did there?) Eating a healthy amount of bacon with a side of exercise is good for you. Wow! Who knew? So put away that whole pound of bacon sitting on your plate; use the maple syrup on your pancakes instead of mixing it into a colon cocktail, and embrace the art of bacon moderation. No need to get too excited, we know it’s delicious. But think of yourself as the kid in the candy store that ate half the store and made them self sick. Too much of any good thing can be treacherous. Treat your body like a temple and a playground. You’ll realize the world is a much better place with bacon in it. No need to thank us. Thank bacon.

(1)http:www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1240932/Bacon-eggs-help-pregnant-women-boost-babys-intelligence.html?ITO=1490
(2)http://www.extrension.umn.edu/distribution/nutrition/DJ0974.html
(3)http://www.bonappetit.com/recipes/slideshows/2009/06/the_terrific_ten_slideshow slide=1
(4)http://www.annals.org/content/140/10/778.abstract?etoc

]]> http://bacontoday.com/bacon-is-good-for-you/feed/ 2 http://bacontoday.com/rosemary-meatballs-in-bacon-grease/ http://bacontoday.com/rosemary-meatballs-in-bacon-grease/#comments Tue, 03 Jan 2012 18:55:38 +0000 Brianne http://bacontoday.com/?p=11564

We know you love bacon, therefore you’ve gotta love meatballs cooked with bacon.
Mmm…
And thanks to our good friend, Rev, he’s created a meatball recipe worthy of putting anyone into pork lust. We suggest you try making his recipe for these meaty balls of goodness. They’re cooked in bacon grease and taste like they were born from the Pork God. Don’t believe in the Pork God? Well, start praying because you’re about to meet him after you take a bite out of one of these babies.



Ingredients:
10 ounces ground Beef (Chuck works best)
6 ounces Sweet Italian Pork Sausage, skin removed
4 ounces Hot Italian Pork Sausage, skin removed
1 1/2 cups Panko (Japanese- style breadcrumbs)
1 large Egg, lightly beaten
2 Garlic Cloves, minced
1 teaspoon finely chopped fresh Rosemary or 1/2 teaspoon dried
1 tablespoon Lemon Juice
Coarse Salt and Ground Pepper
1 tablespoon Olive Oil
3-4 Strips Bacon



Directions:
1. In a large bowl, combine Beef, Italian Sausage, Panko Bread Crumbs, Egg, Garlic, Rosemary, Lemon Juice, 1/2 teaspoon Coarse Salt, and 1/4 teaspoon Pepper. Mix just until combined.
2. Fry the Bacon in a pan and do NOT throw away the grease. I suggest the gourmet Boss Hog Hickory smoked bacon from Bacon Freak.
3. Line a glass pan with the Bacon Grease and 1 Teaspoon of Olive Oil.
4. Form 1 inch Meatballs and place into pan.
5. Bake for approximately 25 minutes at 350 degrees in the oven.
6. Serve with your favorite Red Sauce. If you really want to make a hit with these, make your sauce fresh and don’t use from the jar.
7. Enjoy!

These meatballs are perfect for dinner, entertaining, or if you’re just hankering for some tasty meaty balls. Get your mind out of the gutter. We’re talking about bacon, here.

*Makes about 2 dozen Meatballs

]]> http://bacontoday.com/rosemary-meatballs-in-bacon-grease/feed/ 0 http://bacontoday.com/bacon-spokesman-cbss-big-brother-adam-poch/ http://bacontoday.com/bacon-spokesman-cbss-big-brother-adam-poch/#comments Tue, 20 Dec 2011 18:11:08 +0000 Brianne http://bacontoday.com/?p=11514

Meet Adam Poch: A fellow bacon lover and recent contestant on CBS’s show, “Big Brother”. While he didn’t win the show, he did however, win the hearts of other bacon fanatics. The world learned of his love for the original “90210″, Tori Spelling, and of course; bacon. And as we’ve heard through our salty grapevine, he’s rapidly becoming quite the spokesman for bacon. Well, we wanted to test his devotion to bacon because many other contenders have tried to rise up to such a prestigious entitlement. Read on to see if he has the gumption.

Bacon Today: So, being a bacon enthusiast, when did your love for bacon begin?
Adam Poch: As far back as I can remember! My father used to always cook bacon on the weekends. My bedroom was right near the kitchen, so I would wake up to the delicious smell of bacon. So of course I would always wake up happy when there was bacon cooking!
BT: Waking up to the smell of bacon would make any kid happy.
AP: Bacon just makes everything better.

BT: True. What would you say your favorite bacon recipe is?
Adam Poch:I do not have one favorite recipe myself, but by far the best use of bacon I have ever eaten, was Dynamo Donuts in San Fran[cisco]. They have a bacon-apple maple donut that is out of this world. Look at this thing!

BT: That sounds delicious! And… different. Bacon, apple, and maple. Wow. What a mix of flavors. What would you say is the craziest bacon recipe that you’ve ever heard of?
AP: If I could mention another website? Epic Meal Time’s Bacon Explosion. I have yet to try it, but one of these days I WILL!!!

BT: Well, the BBQ Addicts are the ones who came up with the Bacon Explosion, but we’ll let that one slide. The Epic Meal Time guys sure are an innovative and entertaining bunch. Moving on… Have you tried the Bacontini?
AP: To be honest – I love Appletini’s and I love bacon – but, I have never had a Bacontini.

BT: You should! Have you tried any other bacon and booze drinks though? There are a few others out there.
AP: I’m a huge bourbon fan, and have had Bacon flavored bourbon in a Manhattan. It was so good. I learned how to make it at a Bacon Bourbon event at Astor Wines.

BT: Mmm, sounds good. Bacon bourbon sure is a good treat. Speaking of treats, when you were on the show, “Big Brother”, you received a bunch of bacon products. Did you end up sharing them with the others?
AP: Of course I did – the only thing better than eating bacon is sharing bacon. The Gummy Bacon is not made from real bacon, but it is still delicious. I also got some hot pockets and potato skins with bacon – so I shared them with the other HGs [House Guests]. On the first morning, I made my mark on the house by cooking up two pounds of bacon, and left the plate on the counter. Everyone was laughing at me, but before you know it, it was all gone.

BT: Two pounds of bacon is quite a bit. And not eating any of it yourself is tough. But really, how many slices of bacon could you eat in one sitting?
AP: I never counted, but let’s just say there have been some breakfast buffets that asked me to leave since there wasn’t any bacon left for anyone else!

BT: Being asked to leave a buffet? Wow. That shows some serious love… or gluttony. We’re not really sure which though. Depends on who you’re asking, I suppose.
AP: Haha!

BT: Speaking of love, if you could be with Tori Spelling but you had to give up bacon completely, would you do it?
AP: I can always watch Tori on TV and eat bacon. She’s happily married, and I have a wonderful girlfriend. We both have bacon. Let’s leave things as it is!

BT: That works. With that being said, we know it’s an odd question but we just think they’re super cool. Tell me, would you ever wear a bacon suit?
AP: Yes, but only if it was made of real bacon!

BT: Really? That’s impressive. Where would you wear it to? A bar? The movies?
AP: I would wear it everywhere!

BT: Everywhere?
AP: Except the zoo. The animals may attack me!

BT: Ha, well that is most likely true. Although, you may get the same reaction from pork-loving men… and women. But lastly, if you had to describe bacon in only three words, what would they be?
AP: Crispy Salty AWESOMENESS!

Well, there you have it! Adam Poch is a man who gets kicked out of buffets for devouring all the bacon and wouldn’t give up bacon for any woman. He is also a man who is completely willing to wear a bacon suit out on the town. Definitely sounds like a good candidate for a Bacon Spokesman, to us. Anyone who is willing to wear crispy, greasy slabs of bacon on themselves while sipping a Bacontini at a bar gets our vote. Adam Poch, you can be our bacon hero any day. Just for that, we give you a T-shirt and thank you for wearing it out with pride. And if you would like to hear more of what Adam has to say, follow him on twitter @HeavyMetalTeddy or through his blog.
Bacon lovers unite!

]]> http://bacontoday.com/bacon-spokesman-cbss-big-brother-adam-poch/feed/ 0 http://bacontoday.com/drew-carey-loves-bacon/ http://bacontoday.com/drew-carey-loves-bacon/#comments Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:00:44 +0000 Brianne http://bacontoday.com/?p=11484

It was a glorious day for “The Price is Right” contestant, Michael Hudson; for he won a car instead of an exercise bike. And anyone wearing Bacon Freak’s signature tee would much rather have a new car instead of an exercise bike. Not that exercising is bad, but c’mon. A car is a much better mode of transportation to pick up more bacon from the store. Also, anyone sporting bacon is bound to get good things coming to them. Do we think the shirt helped him win? Of course we do! Did it help that Drew Carey really loved his shirt as well? Of course! Because we all know that bacon makes everything better. Bacon is good luck. If you want your own piece of luck, get your own Bacon is Meat Candy™ tee. And watch the show! Doesn’t Michael look awesome in this tee? We think so.

]]> http://bacontoday.com/drew-carey-loves-bacon/feed/ 0 http://bacontoday.com/fix-the-economy-with-bacon/ http://bacontoday.com/fix-the-economy-with-bacon/#comments Mon, 21 Nov 2011 18:10:29 +0000 Brianne http://bacontoday.com/?p=11458

(Blog Courtesy of BaconLoversBacon.com)

Okay, so we’re in a recession and, by many accounts, headed off a cliff.

Not that we want to get into some profound, economic-egghead lecture… (heck, like we could really do that anyway)… But, let’s face it. This is a serious issue no one can ignore.

In a snapshot, here’s a big piece of the problem:

Since 1971, the U.S. dollar has been the “world’s reserve currency,” backed by our government’s good name (wink, wink) rather than something solid like gold. As a result, we can print money whenever we feel like it, because it isn’t really “worth” anything.

Now that it looks like this idea isn’t working out too well, the aforementioned eggheads are pitching for a return to the “gold standard.”

Sounds great. But when we got the eggheads together with the baconheads, and the high-level, book-smart intelligence was tempered by some common sense, a better idea emerged.

Why not back the U.S. dollar with bacon?

That’s a rhetorical question, of course… If there was an answer, it would be “Duh.”

But nonetheless…

Here are 10 reasons why the U.S. monetary system should go to a Bacon Standard:

1. You can’t eat gold.

2. Bacon is a renewable resource. So, we can continue printing money whenever we feel like it, as long as we simultaneously kick hog breeding into overdrive.

3. Bacon is not $2,000 an ounce (though, we could all make a case for that).

4. Having “fat in the budget” would actually be a good thing.

5. A “bacon standard” would be much easier for mortal humans to wrap their heads around. Why limit our understanding of money to economists?

6. Government monetary decisions regarding currency based on bacon would not be gridlocked by differences in political ideology. You ask anyone from Main Street to occupied Wall Street and the answer will be consistent: “More bacon? Yes, please.”

7. “Pork spending” in Washington would no longer have a negative connotation.

8. Bacon comes way before gold on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Think about it. You’re stranded somewhere far from home, where civilization itself is nowhere to be found. What has more value, a chunk of gold, or food?

9. Donuts, burgers, cocktails, you name it. You don’t see any fun, exotic recipes go viral because someone is spicing these foods up with precious metals.

10. The phrase “Worth its weight in bacon,” makes just as much sense.

Now, if we could just get a seat at the table next to the Federal Reserve Chairman.

BaconLoversBacon.com is the home of Indiana Kitchen® brand bacon and a clearinghouse for everything that makes meat candy sweeter than ever—including videos, blogs, recipes, coupons and more! Until next time!

]]> http://bacontoday.com/fix-the-economy-with-bacon/feed/ 1 http://bacontoday.com/the-turbaconducken-feast/ http://bacontoday.com/the-turbaconducken-feast/#comments Mon, 07 Nov 2011 07:00:28 +0000 Brianne http://bacontoday.com/?p=11328

It’s that time of year again! Recipes, grocery store trips, turkey defrosting, seeing family you’ve missed, seeing family you can do without… You know, the annual pig-out day of Thanksgiving! The day where kitchens are all a bustle and everyone is licking their chops in anticipation of the feast.

But you know what? We don’t care that much for the usual boring turkey. It’s been done too many times. And adding some new seasoning isn’t fooling anyone. We want something new and exciting because we’re all interesting and awesome people. Let the boring folk dig into their typical annual turkey. We want the bacon! We want pork! Bring it on!

We all know about the infamous Turbaconducken. A chicken stuffed in a duck, stuffed in a turkey, and then all wrapped in glorious bacon. (Cleaning the drool off the keyboard… Hukjbklwekvfw… Okay, we’re good now.) That’s three birds all wrapped in a pig! You really have to try this beast! It’s something that will have even the grumpy, judgmental in-laws smiling from ear-to-ear. Kids love it because not only is it delicious, it looks so monstrously cool. As for the vegetarians; well, we feel very sorry for them and can’t help them with their “problem”. But for you awesome carnivores out there, the brilliant minds at Bacon Freak have created some flavored bacon bundles to wrap your birds in some pig! It’s the Turbaconducken Bundles! Each bundle contains delicious flavored bacon so you don’t have to add any seasoning! Hey, less work for you right? There’s the classic peppered bacon bundle for those of you that love that peppered meaty taste. A honey BBQ bacon bundle for those that love the sweet and savory flavor of a down-home BBQ; an apple cinnamon bacon bundle who like their meat sweeter, and a jalapeno bacon bundle for those who like their meat to have a kick! They even have an awesome side dish for you to create: The Ultimate BBQ Bacon Mashed Potatoes. Because garlic mashed potatoes are so last year.

So add some bacon to your holiday! Because like Bacon Freak states, “Bacon makes every meal taste better. It also makes uncomfortable family situations more bearable. (No more wine for you, Aunt Agnes!)”

Amen to that. A-men.

]]> http://bacontoday.com/the-turbaconducken-feast/feed/ 1 http://bacontoday.com/night-of-the-sizzling-dead/ http://bacontoday.com/night-of-the-sizzling-dead/#comments Mon, 31 Oct 2011 07:00:36 +0000 Brianne http://bacontoday.com/?p=7676
It was late in the night and the lights were all out in the house. I felt a rolling sensation right behind my belly button. That familiar growling sound escaped from the depths of my stomach as I tossed and turned in my bed. I knew I would not be able to go to sleep with this unavoidable hunger scratching at the insides of my belly. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw it. Crisp, salty, thick slices of gorgeous and tongue tantalizing bacon. Earlier that day at lunch, I watched my friend order a BLT with extra bacon. He even pulled out of his pocket, a small plastic container. Which, at first glance, I thought was salt. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was Bacon Seasoning! Extra bacon and bacon seasoning? I could feel the saliva filling up in my mouth. I watched him sprinkle the seasoning over the lettuce and tomato. He then slapped his sandwich back together, raised it to his lips, and began to devour it while my fork laid lifelessly in my hand. Suddenly, the salad I ordered was as appealing as a bowl of maggots and puss.

The nerve.

Didn’t he know I was trying this diet thing? Suddenly I developed an image of me smacking him against the head with my salad bowl, lettuce leaves sprawling out into the wind, and fork scudding across the ground. Grabbing his sandwich, I begin shoving the thick, savory slices of meat candy into my mouth, as his head lay upon our lunch table; silent and unmoving.

Alas, that never happened. I allowed him a peaceful and happy lunch of extra bacon. And now I was paying for my lunch salad mishap. I thought long and hard about what I had in the kitchen. I had cooked Boss Hog Honey BBQ bacon in the freezer. I knew that all I had to do was pop that in the microwave. But then there was that package of Bacon Jerky I had hidden in the high reaches of my pantry. The Bacon Jerky was ready to go. No microwave needed.

My stomach let out a loud growl of affirmation. I couldn’t handle it any longer. Throwing up the fluffy white down-filled comforter and tossing aside my beloved bacon pillow; I slipped on my piggy slippers and proceeded to shuffle into the kitchen. It was dark and quiet throughout the house. I didn’t want to turn on any lights because my guilty mind felt I was being less mischievous if I cheated in the dark. Although concealment was key, I still needed to see. I grabbed the flashlight on the kitchen counter, switched it on, and opened the pantry door. I unfolded the little wooden ladder at the foot of the walk-in pantry and climbed to the top. I could see the Peppered Bacon Jerky package on the top shelf, peeking out from behind a pack of bacon pancake mix. As I reached up and pulled down the pancake mix, I heard a thump outside my kitchen window. I paused. BOOM. More forceful and louder this time, I jumped; fumbled with the pancake mix, and dropped my flashlight as puffs of powdery mix spilled onto my face. I heard a soft squealing noise as my flashlight rolled along the tile kitchen floor. The flashlight stopped rolling, then rocked back and forth; the beam of light flashing along the walls. It then rested to a stop and highlighted something peering at me through my kitchen window.

There, on my neatly manicured front lawn, was a beast much larger than any of its kind. It must have been the size of a bear! It had flopped pink ears, a squiggly tail, large red eyes, and an enormous snout. The snout had a red, wet substance smeared across its pink skin. It looked to be blood. I could see its hot breath in the cold night air as it exhaled. With large, crimson eyes, it scanned my kitchen carefully until they found me. The calculating eyes narrowed as it focused on me reaching for the Peppered Bacon Jerky.

It let out an enormous growl that slightly resembled a baritone squeal. As it growl-squealed, I saw sharp incisors the size of my fist. Blood dripped from the fangs onto its pink chest. The crimson eyes became fiercer and seemed to glow. The beast was morbidly grinning at me. It was huge; its “squeal” shaking the glass of my windows. Saliva dripped down the corners of its mouth, ironically reminding me of the way I drooled over my friend’s bacon sandwich earlier that day. It was only a matter of time when it would lunge at me from behind my patch of begonias. Shakily, I grabbed the large butcher knife on the lower shelf of the pantry closet. I checked my exists. I didn’t have any. My stomach growled again, this time almost as loud as the beast’s. I then smiled too. I was hungry. And man, that thing would make a seriously good amount of delicious slabs of the other white meat.

Suddenly, I heard the glass shatter. I tightened my grip on the knife. It was time.

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